Why your teen isn’t trying to make your life difficult
Caring for teens is hard! By the time we become parents, the entire landscape has changed from what we learned and we are constantly reinventing the parenting wheel. Mix in irritability, withdrawal, and opposition, and living with a teenager can feel like walking on eggshells. It’s tempting to reach for control, however you can get it.
When you find yourself caught in the same conflicts over and over, it’s likely that something isn’t working, It might not be working because your teen is suffering from depression or anxiety, or because life is super stressful at the moment. In either case, teenagers might look more irritable than sad, resistant than scared. How do you distinguish between normal teenage bumpiness and something more serious?
When we see anxiety or depression in the movies, it’s obvious. Usually it involves rain and a sad song, and we’re all rooting for someone to reach out in kindness and understanding. When it happens in our living rooms, it might look like someone giving you intense side-eye, throwing down the math homework, and storming out of the room.
Irritability in teens is a common symptom of mental health challenges. It can be a catchall for the intense emotions of puberty and social changes, a protective mechanism, or the means of expressing their feelings that feels familiar and accessible to them. It’s usually a sign that they are suffering, and are asking for help, they’re just doing it in a way that makes it challenging to reach through it.
Some ideas for dealing with teenage irritability
- Reframing: remind yourself that no one wants to feel that cranky. Your teen isn’t attacking you, they are in pain and unskilled at expressing it, maybe confused about what they are feeling.
- Be present, not pressing: frequently your teen may not want to talk. That’s okay. You being a calm presence can help your teen’s nervous system reset. What you communicate nonverbally is as important as anything you might come up with to say out loud.
- Listen: If your teen decides to share, your main job is to shut up. Be fully present, listen without judgment, interruption, or offering solutions. Your first job is to understand, not fix. In fact, make fixing the very last thing you do, and only once your teen has indicated they are open to hearing your ideas.
- Cooling off is okay: despite everything you’ve heard about consistency and learning moments, it’s perfectly fine to allow cool-off time before addressing a situation or offering a solution. You’re modeling the importance of self-regulation when you take the time to calm down on your own.
- Be open about your own emotions: modeling emotional intelligence is the best way to teach it. It’s okay to share your own frustrations and hurts, as well as the steps you take to feel better.
- Don’t play the blame game: Avoid phrases like “you always,” or “you never,” which shut down the conversation. Focus instead on I statements such as “I feel worried when I see so many assignments missing,” and then just leave it. Give your teen time to process and respond without pressure.
- Connect, connect, connect: ask yourself, “am I building a bridge? Or a wall?” when interacting. The more walls between you, the less you will be able to help when needed. Offer your teen a ride, or a walk, a game, a special coffee drink; whatever it takes to get a little bit of relaxed time together. Then try not to ruin that time by jumping in with your own agenda. Just connect.
- Wait on solutions: you may be filled to the brim with winning ideas for fixing the situation. I mean, you’re reading this right now! Allowing your teen to generate solutions, try them out, select ones that work (and fail at some too!) teaches the skills they will need in adulthood. Let your teen do the driving.
- Seek professional help when needed. Sometimes it’s easier for a teenager to talk to a different adult about what’s going on. They might be worried about burdening you, or they might need some coping skills they could develop in therapy. A therapist can help tease out what is anxiety and depression, and what is normal teenage stress.
