I was on a walk with an RCT colleague. We had just had breakfast with my son, who was wearing eyeliner and a damn cool skirt. We were talking about pronouns, singular they, and language gaps between the generations. She was thoughtful, and then said, “you know, I saw a young person, wearing makeup and a skirt, who told me he uses he/him pronouns.”
I braced myself, because I’d had this conversation recently, upon finding someone I had met at an RCT conference listed as a therapist on a site promoting gender exploratory therapy, and our conversation hit a wall quickly. My walking partner though, was thoughtful for a little longer then added, “I just think, wow. I have lots to learn about he/him.” She was living out the “Works In Progress” value of RCT, engaging in curiosity and uncertainty— living in the MUD (Mystery, Uncertainty, and Doubt, an important idea in RCT).
The original Works in Progress were a series of papers developed by the founding scholars of Relational-Cultural Theory. These papers were unique in their approach, presented as evolving ideas and theories rather than as final, definitive statements. This format reflected the collaborative nature of RCT itself, and an acknowledgment that the complexity of our connections is always changing.
The approach taken with “Works in Progress” embodied the revolutionary aspect of RCT by valuing the process of growth, understanding, and change over the pursuit of absolute answers. It encouraged open discussion, critical thinking, and the ongoing evolution of ideas, mirroring the relational process itself, where understanding deepens and evolves through growth-fostering connection. Works in Progress also signaled RCT’s commitment to being accessible; they were available to anyone for $2.00 a copy, and are now available free of charge on the International Center for Growth in Connection’s website.
Because RCT’s roots are in second-wave feminism, much of the language in the original Works in Progress are rooted in binary concepts about gender. Jean Baker Miller’s iconic work, Toward a New Psychology of Women highlighted the ways women’s experiences were invisible or pathologized in traditional psychotherapy models, and pointed us towards a model celebrating strengths that had been dismissed. RCT evolved to highlight similar issues with BIPOC and LGBTQIA+ people, although the language has not always kept up with the values. RCT is not a gender essentialist approach, and the language requires updating to reflect the value of including all genders, both because it matches our values, and because it saves lives.
For those who haven’t had an opportunity to explore language around gender, I’ve included links and resources below to get you started. Some areas we tend to forget include reproductive justice (the first link) and language around families.
The Gender Unicorn (image associated with this post) is one way of conceptualizing gender terms. Dora Makice, a trans woman with expertise in gender, biology, and advocacy, noted that while the gender unicorn is a “helpful starting point to understand the distinctions between things they’ve previously taken as a package deal and understanding that gender is multivariable with independent variables, it also replaces one gender schema with another more complicated one.” She notes, “it misses the opportunity to push back on the idea that we need to fit someone’s identity into a set of chartable variables in order to legitimize it.” She recommends paying attention to ideas we carry around “biological sex” or “socialized gender” (which is not a part of the Gender Unicorn!) in order to avoid importing previous gender politics into a new framework.
The American Academy of Pediatrics released a response to the study on autism and gender diversity. The TL/DR version is yes, there’s a higher rate of trans and gender diverse youth within ASD youth; there are lots of explanations for this (they go into those) and no matter what the explanation, providing gender affirming care is essential.
An excerpt (they are using TGD for trans and gender diverse, and ASD as autism spectrum disorder):
Youth who have ASD and youth who are TGD commonly experience discrimination and social rejection related to their identities, as do their families.14,15 When autism and gender diversity intersect, stigma is likely to be even further amplified. Stigma in health care settings may prevent youth and families from presenting for needed care,15,16 and in the broader community, may worsen youths’ social and emotional well-being.15,17 Clinicians can reduce stigma by listening to the perspectives of youth with ASD and who identify as TGD, educating themselves and their staff on autism, gender diversity, and facets of care for both using respectful, nonstigmatizing language when talking to and about youth, raising awareness and educating the public about autism and gender diversity, and challenging negative stereotypes.18,19
Singular They: at first it may feel awkward; none of us want to be wrong, (although singular they isn’t wrong, the APA added it several years ago). Singular they is (ahem) the singular easiest, quickest thing you can do to create an inclusive language around gender.
The ACLU explains the overlap between gender affirming care and reproductive rights, as well as why the language we use in discussing it matters.
What’s the scoop on JK Rowling? An expletive filled blog explains it all.
Another Katykatikate post on listening to people and honoring their identities. (more expletives)
Judith Butler explores gender essentialism and whether it’s feminist here.
Julia Serano has created a glossary of terms; her books are excellent resources for these discussions as well.
Schuyler Bailar has a page full of resources on trans athletics, more resources and books.
These are some excellent starting points, with the caveat that we are all works in progress, as is the journey into a deeper understanding of gender identity. Best practices involve continuing to learn and grow, allowing curiosity and connection to guide you.