How Relational-Cultural Theory helps bridge tough disconnections
Relational-Cultural Theory (RCT) originated in psychotherapy, but it is helpful in everyday life. One core concepts RCT offers is One True Thing. Coined by Irene Stiver, One True Thing offers a way to navigate challenging conversations and disagreements without sacrificing integrity, shutting down, or lashing out.
One True Thing is a statement that includes something true and meaningful about your experience without minimizing the other person’s experience. Think of it as a conversation that offers spaciousness rather than cornering the other person with your righteousness. (Even if you are right!) This helps keep both people in the relationship feeling seen and valued, regardless of differences. The spaciousness created by saying One True Thing can guide the conversation into a place of growth and an expanding understanding of each other.
Winning or Understanding?
Using One True Thing involves letting go of the desire to persuade or otherwise “win” the conversation. All too often, attempts to one-up the other person end in a stalemate of bitter disconnection. For example, imagine a disagreement over teens and social media in which different approaches are being championed. As the conversation heats up, imagine one person saying, “one thing I can tell is how much we are both committed to keeping our kids safe!” This allows both participants a moment of validation and can provide a much needed “reset” button.
One imperfect true thing
It’s easy to get hung up on saying just the right true thing, grasping for the perfect statement that will easily diffuse tension. While One True Thing tends to deescalate, it is something that simply creates room for growth. Instead of frantic reaching for the perfect come-back, One True Thing can be as simple as “oh. I’m feeling confused by this conversation.” One True Thing doesn’t have to be one perfect thing.
Something new
So often, conflict becomes stuck, repeating the same argument over and over. One True Thing helps break that cycle by creating safety and respect. As Maureen Walker has emphasized, the goal of using “One True Thing” is not to smooth over conflict or diminish pain but to create a way for both people to stay connected with authenticity. By focusing on a single, true experience — whether it’s a feeling, a thought, or a value — both parties can remain in dialogue and hold space for growth, change, and greater understanding.
How to “do” One True Thing
- Begin with connection in mind. “I’m honored that you’re willing to have this hard conversation with me. I know sometimes it’s easier to just ignore our differences, and I’m grateful to get to talk about something so important to me together.”
- Pause. Take a moment to breathe and check in with yourself. What does this argument bring up for you? Is there a specific fear that is being triggered?
- Ask yourself why. Why are you having this conversation? What is your longterm goal? Is it to stay connected to this other person? Is it to prove you’re right? Are you willing to be moved by the other person, or are you feeling stuck and rigid?
- Practice perspective taking. When you are feeling more calm, take a moment to imagine the other person’s experience. This doesn’t mean condoning bad behavior, it means cultivating compassion and understanding. Can you imagine what is triggered for the other person? What are they afraid of?
- Stick to the true thing. Avoid making statements for the other person, such as “you think if this happens,” or “you always believe the worst.” Just stick to your own experience and how it might be connective. “I worry when I see ______”, or even, “I value this relationship.”
- Avoid the obvious. If you already know that the other person knows what you believe (perhaps you’ve had this conversation before?) there’s no need to keep repeating it. It’s likely they already know what you think on the topic, and if you give them room to ask questions, the conversation can grow more naturally.
- Stay curious. Try not to assume you know the other person’s views or motivation, and make room for them to explore it out loud. They may surprise both of you.
- Let go. You do not have to win. The conversation may take longer than this interaction allows. It is okay to take a break and return to the topic down the road. “I’m glad we were able to start this, but I need a little time to think. Can we return to it tomorrow?”