A key idea in Relational-Cultural Theory
At the heart of human connection lies a conflicting truth: we long to be close to others, and we fear allowing that closeness due to past violations and hurts. Because of that fear, we hide parts of ourselves that we deem unacceptable for the relationship. The more we hide parts of ourselves, the more disconnected we feel both from our own experience and from relationships. This cycle results in an increased longing for authentic connection, known as the Central Relational Paradox.
A source of pain
Jean Baker Miller and Irene Stiver introduced the Central Relational Paradox in The Healing Connection. They described individuals in relationships where their needs are ignored or invalidated suppressing their own experiences, especially when they conflict with the expectations of someone with more power.
“The path away from mutual connection, and simultaneously away from the truth of one’s own experience, is the path to psychological problems.” Miller and Stiver, The Healing Connection
Examples of the Central Relational Paradox surround us. A child afraid of angering their parent might become adept at disguising their own upset. Someone in a non-mutual relationship, in which they experience gaslighting, may learn to keep their worries to themselves, rather than self-advocate. Cultural pressures support the paradox as well; stereotypes thrust upon historically marginalized people create a need for extra caution or risk having their authentic experience be misinterpreted.
The Paradox in Therapy
As individuals withdraw and hide parts of themselves to protect against being hurt, they paradoxically feel a deeper longing for real connection. These methods of self-protection, often called Strategies of Disconnection, frequently increase isolation. Increased isolation leads to an inability to experience mutuality and a sense of being truly seen. Over time, the disconnection becomes chronic, preventing authentic, growth-fostering relationships. Relational-Cultural Therapy works to break this cycle by creating relationships with a sense of supported vulnerability. This allows individuals to bring their full selves into connection, fostering healing through mutual empathy and authenticity.
Breaking free
The pain at the root of the paradox is real; frequently the strategies used to hide parts of ourselves worked to create safety. Not all relationships are mutual and equitable. It is reasonable to keep yourself safe; you also need authentic and mutual connection to thrive. Here are some ideas to try.
- Find Someone You Trust: Start by identifying someone you feel safe with—a friend, partner, or therapist—who will commit to staying curious. It helps to remind each other of your strong relationship, and that your connection can withstand disagreement ahead of time.
- Breathe and Touch in With Your Own Experience: Take a moment to ground yourself by breathing deeply and noticing your thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations. Look for the thing you hesitate to say.
- Acknowledge the Fear of Sharing: Name the fear or discomfort that comes with being vulnerable. Remind yourself that sharing feels scary, but that it’s a step toward deeper connection.
- Share Despite the Fear: Even though it feels risky, share your experience with the other person. Let them know how you feel and what you’ve been holding back. Remain curious to your experience in the relationship as you share.
- Commit to Staying in the Conversation: Stay engaged in the dialogue, even if it’s uncomfortable. Ensure you both feel heard and understood before moving on. Authentic connection grows from mutual empathy and commitment to truly listening to each other.
- Start in Therapy if Needed: If this process feels too overwhelming or vulnerable in personal relationships, it’s okay to practice in therapy. A therapist can help you build the courage and skills to apply this in your other relationships. A relationship therapist can facilitate you doing this with someone important to you.
For More Reading
The Central Relational Paradox impacts all of us. Our culture encourages superficial interactions, stratification, and power-over communication and relating. Pushing back and sharing your authentic experience, allowing yourself to be vulnerable, is a huge act of courage. (Go on– click on that link– it’s one of my favorite Judith Jordan Works In Progress called Valuing Vulnerability: New Definitions of Courage and it’s beautiful)