How To Keep Going
On Monday evenings I’m lucky enough to get and talk with one of my best friends about whatever comes up. We record it, and sometimes it turns out to be something worth sharing with the world. Sometimes it’s an in-depth discussion about Dick Van Dyke being rescued by dolphins, and the length of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. Over the last few years we’ve traded places a lot, between one of us angry enough to burn everything down, and the other talking about love. What if it’s both? What if love needs conflict?
This push and pull escalated during a recent conversation, as we discussed the future for trans and gender nonconforming people (TGNC). It can be hard to keep going, to manage fear and rage. There’s a lot of threats coming from the incoming national administration’s proposed policies, and those are emboldening state legislatures to entertain dangerous laws. It feels as if our allies are falling away. We are in for a long period of struggle. How on earth can we support each other and those we love in a sustainable way? How do we keep going?
Embrace Conflict As Authentic Connection
Conflict is an essential ingredient in authentic relationships. In Relational-Cultural Theory (RCT), this aligns with the idea that mutuality requires us to engage deeply and honestly with each other, even when it’s hard. Being a fighter for love means confronting injustice and inequity—not out of aggression, but from a place of care and commitment to connection. The fight isn’t about dominance; it’s about breaking barriers that prevent connection.
How to keep going: Frame conflict not as failure but as an opportunity for deeper connection and alignment with shared values. Cultivate relationships that can hold the tension of disagreement and stay committed to mutual growth.
Ground The Fight In Relational Support
RCT teaches that we don’t grow in isolation, and fighting for love is no different. We need connection and community to sustain ourselves. Advocacy can be exhausting, and burnout is real, especially when facing systemic oppression. But relational resilience—the strength we draw from meaningful relationships—can keep us going.
How to keep going: Build and nurture communities of care. Surround yourself with people who understand the fight and share your vision. Create spaces where you can both give and receive support, replenishing your relational energy.
Cultivate Relational Courage
Relational courage, a core concept in RCT, means taking risks to stay connected in moments of fear, pain, or vulnerability. It also means standing up for what is right, even when it’s scary or unpopular. For TGNC people, as well as their allies, this courage is essential to face the challenges ahead.
How to keep going: Practice relational courage by showing up authentically and vulnerably in your relationships and advocacy. When fear arises, take a moment to breathe and check in with yourself. Let love and connection guide your actions.
Dismantle Structural Barriers
RCT is clear that structural oppression embedded in our culture—like the harmful policies targeting TGNC people—creates disconnection and isolates individuals from growth-fostering relationships. Fighting for love means dismantling these barriers and advocating for a world where everyone can thrive.
How to keep going: Advocate for systemic change while also addressing the personal and relational impacts of these structures. Use your voice to amplify marginalized perspectives and help others understand the human cost of disconnection.
Lean Into Connection
Amy Banks‘ concept of Positive Relational Moments can be a powerful resource. These moments—when we feel seen, known, and loved—are neurologically grounding and emotionally sustaining. They remind us why we fight: for the joy and healing that authentic connection brings.
How to keep going: Regularly reflect on moments of connection and love that have fueled your journey. Let these memories anchor you in the present and propel you forward.
Find Meaning In Mutuality
The fight for love is not a one-way street. Mutuality—the heart of RCT—means that we are moved by others as we move them. In fighting for a world where connection is possible for everyone, we also allow ourselves to be transformed by the struggle.
How to keep going: Stay open to being changed by the people you’re fighting for and with. Let their resilience, creativity, and strength inspire you to keep going.
“Love needs fighters” isn’t just a rallying cry—it’s a relational principle. Fighting for love means embracing the struggle of conflict as part of connection, drawing strength from community, and aligning with the core RCT value that growth happens through and toward authentic connection. You keep going by remembering why you’re in the fight and allowing yourself to be open to and sustained by relationships. When there are times it’s hard to find that connection and hope, reach out for help from a local organization or trans-competent mental health professional.