Connection, not control
Neuroscience is a great tool for understanding human meaning-making. It helps us map our inner workings, offering insight into how our brains respond to stress, relationships, to exclusion, and more. But like the saying goes, neuroscience can be used to hammer when really what’s needed is a tiny screwdriver.* While some use it to reinforce hierarchies or justify power imbalances, it has the potential to illuminate a path:grounded in mutuality, empathy, and relational power. It can help us get from “power over” to “power with.”
Relational-Cultural Theory (RCT) embraces neuroscience as a means of deepening connection rather than controlling or dominating others. By integrating scientific insights with relational principles, RCT demonstrates how connection—not hyperindividuation—is the foundation of human thriving. How does neuroscience support these ideas and how it can be used to foster growth-fostering relationships?
Neuroscience and the Power of Connection
When we look at the brain through a relational lens, a clear theme emerges: humans are wired for connection. Here are some examples:
- Co-Regulation and Emotional Safety: Neuroscience shows that our nervous systems respond to the presence of others. Co-regulation—the process of calming and attuning to another person’s emotional state—is a cornerstone of relational safety.
- Relational Healing and Neural Pathways: Growth-fostering relationships can rewire the brain. Positive relational experiences create new neural pathways that support empathy, resilience, and self-regulation. These changes reflect the brain’s plasticity—its ability to adapt and grow throughout our lives.
- Mutuality and Creativity: When people engage in mutual collaboration, the brain lights up in areas associated with creativity and problem-solving.
Relational Power (Power-with) vs. Dominance-Based Power (Power-over)
Power over strategies rely on control and hierarchy, often appealing to fear and scarcity. In contrast, RCT emphasizes power-with: the ability to empower through connection. Neuroscience supports this idea by showing how shared vulnerability and mutual support strengthen neural pathways linked to trust, cooperation, and innovation.
What’s that like in practice? In a workplace, power-over might look like micromanagement, competition, or overwork, leading to stress and burnout. Power-with, on the other hand, encourages collaboration, curiosity, and a willingness to both change and be changed. This creates opportunities for connection, and people, to thrive.
Using Neuroscience to Foster Connection
What are the practical applications? So glad you asked.
- Prioritize Relational Safety: Create environments where people feel seen, heard, and valued. This means reducing shame and judgment and fostering acceptance and curiosity.
- Recognize and Name Oppression: Marginalization and systemic inequities create toxic stress that affects brain health. By addressing these barriers and advocating for equity, we can create conditions for relational thriving
- Practice, practice, practice: Practices like active listening, mutual vulnerability, and co-regulation aren’t just good ideas; they’re backed by neuroscience. These practices foster trust and deepen connection, supporting both individual and collective growth..
Neuroscience, at its best, reminds us of our shared humanity. It illuminates how we are designed to thrive in connection, not isolation. By using neuroscience to foster mutuality, empathy, and relational power, we can create a world where people grow together. In doing so, we move beyond control and competition, embracing a vision of shared flourishing grounded in the principles of Relational-Cultural Theory.
Ask yourself:
- How do our environments—from families to workplaces—support or hinder connection?
- What would it look like to replace power-over with power-with in our own lives?
- How can we use relational practices to address the systemic stressors that harm marginalized communities?
*that’s not a saying, I just made it up because I was thinking of “if I have a hammer everything looks like a nail” and couldn’t make it work in the sentence.