Avoiding a “Model Me” Disconnect
In Relational-Cultural Theory (RCT), Maureen Walker’s concepts of “Model Me” and “Not Me” describe the internalized narratives we carry about who we believe we should be and who we believe we must never be. They are more about how we are perceived than how we actually move in the world. These constructs influence how caregivers relate to their trans and gender non-conforming (TGNC) children, particularly when navigating the overwhelming landscape of gender-affirming care.
One example is the “Scientific Parent”, a caregiver who prides themselves on conducting thorough research and making evidence-based decisions. Science is real, and science is important. The point of model me isn’t that the qualities of it are bad, it’s that they are rigid. Valuing scientific research is great— it leads to wearing helmets and protective gear, using carseats properly, and getting vaccinated. A focus on being perceived as scientifically minded becomes less about researching and curiosity, and more about performing competence. The model me in this case is so caught up in fear of being seen as uninformed that it results in rigidly clinging to questionable studies. Unfortunately, the rise of politicized and methodologically flawed reports, such as the Cass Review and similar anti-gender affirming care narratives, creates a dangerous confirmation bias.
Model Me and the Central Relational Paradox
Model Me and Not Me provide a fresh lens for looking at the Central Relational Paradox. Our Model Me is usually the part of ourselves we allow to show, the part we believe keeps us worthy of connection. Our Not Me is the part we want to keep hidden, the part we believe would render us unlovable and isolated. When an internalized Model Me is rooted in being the “rational researcher,” it results in rejecting curiosity and uncertainty. It’s hard to realize that this rejection is driven by a Not Me—a fear of being perceived as incompetent. This fear creates barriers to genuinely hearing and supporting their child’s lived experience.
Using Values to Ground in Authenticity
One way to soften this rigidity is by aligning with values rather than with a fixed idea of who we should be. Instead of striving to always be right, strive to be guided by values like connection, curiosity, and compassion. These values act as a compass when certainty is elusive and allow for flexibility and openness in the face of new experiences and information. Ask:
- Am I approaching this conversation with curiosity or defensiveness?
- Am I valuing my relationship with this person over my need to appear knowledgeable?
- Am I guided by a value of connection, even when it challenges my “Model Me”?
There’s a lot more to explore about the difference between being value-aligned and being rigidly model-driven, which may need its own post. The idea is that while rigid adherence to a model (even a good one) can create barriers, being led by values keeps us adaptable, responsive, and ultimately more connected to the people we care about.
By staying open to the possibility that we don’t have all the answers, we create room for genuine connection and growth, ultimately supporting the well-being of the trans and gender non-conforming youth in our lives.