There are a ton of good neuroscience books out there and even more parenting tomes, and they can be useful. Finding a book with practical scripts in it can be a lifesaver, particularly when it feels like your four-year-old is never going to cut you any slack, and finding a book that describes your experience is validating and affirming. I confess to landing in our living room during a particular difficult parenting stretch with 16 different parenting books I had checked out from the library. Turns out the answer to our problems had more to do with me just being present, and less to do with research.
I’ve hesitated to make a list because there are lots out there, different things work for different families, and a lot of books get a lot of things right, and a few things wrong. Some books get a lot of stuff wrong and still have nuggets of helpful truth. What I want most for the parents I work with is for them to tap into their own wisdom, their own deep understanding of their family’s needs, and honor that. If a book suggests something that feels counter to your values, maybe it’s not the right one for you. With that in mind, here are a few favorites here at the Center for Connection:
No parenting list would be complete without the classic, How to Talk books. Their scripts and ideas have held up over time, offering some practical tools for staying connected to kids, and helping shine a light on how some things we may say without thinking wind up carrying a different meaning than our intention.
Larry Cohen writes about connecting with children through play. Playful Parenting is his classic, and I recommend it without hesitation. The Opposite of Worry, his book on childhood anxiety is a great primer on both parental anxiety and childhood anxiety. His book on Roughhousing gives specific advice for getting physical with your kids.
Ross Greene is another favorite here. Based on the premise that all kids do well if they can, his work on problem-solving with kids can completely transform a frustrated family to one that is collaborating on solutions. While his initial books focused on behaviorally challenged children, his work applies equally to kids with less challenging behavior because it teaches the skills kids need to become thoughtful citizens and responsible adults. I like Lost at School because it outlines how to use his approach with multiple kids– the parts designed for classroom dynamics also apply to siblings.
If the neuroscience behind this stuff excites you, Dan Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson have some good books that pull it all together. The most recent, The Yes Brain, gives solid information on helping your child develop their innate resilience and curiosity using brain science and relationships! Amy Banks has written about how the neuroscience of Relational-Cultural Theory impacts mental health, and offers concrete tools. Louis Cozolino writes extensively about relational neurobiology, offering some fairly rich, dense and inspiring reads on the science of how humans need connection.
All of these books support a Relational-Cultural approach to kids because they honor and nurture the connection between caregiver and child. You won’t find formulaic books offering gimmicks and star charts designed to “make” children behave or otherwise manipulate them. For one thing, the techniques outlined in those books rarely have the lasting effect you are wanting, and could even have the opposite effect. An RCT approach is one that helps us support our kids through relationship– helping them become capable of more complex connections as they grow. We can only do that through connection.
